gratitude?

while am on my ride wif my husband this morning..
i was thinking about..being grateful..
the first thing that i would like to thank God is..
a wonderful family that i have.. my husband n my son..

but now..

i feel like am going to burst into tears..

one nite..

i came across of my ol journal on my pc..
i read back.. n realize..
those time..
when i jez get married.. n jez have my baby...
there's lotsa love in the air..
i love my husband deeply..
i love aiman fondly..
tho at those time, we'r badly struggling wif our financial..
but, it's ok.. how bad it could be, we still have each other..

but today..

today..

the air of love dah macam tercicir a bit by a bit when day goes by..
i start to feel annoyed wif him.. almost everyday..
sumtimes i can be a real pain in his ass..
so does him..
probably he feel the same way bout me..

dulu2.. nak pegi memane.. mesti nak ajak aku follow skali..
tapi skarang, he prefer me not to follow him n stay home..
sumtimes i feel like terkilan..
why in the world he act like that?

before..

before i start to work..
he used to promise me, when i start to have a job..
he would help me with the houseworks..
but the promise.. was jez a promise..
aku bukan nak sgt pun die buat keje2 umah..
at least show sum concern ok..
he never help me out wif the houseworks..
but worse..
balik jek.. die jez baring depan tv tgk bola..
n me..
i will start tidy up my room.. (basically bersepah ngan baju die gak..)
then go to dapur, prepare for dinner..
after that settle with aiman ( aiman's always take a loo rite after i take him frm the babysitter house)
then, the kids will come down to my house, tution..
after 1 hour n half..
the kids gone, n i'm already flat out..
but he..
biasenye time tuh die dah ready2 nak kuar umah, jumpe kekawan plak..
n my work not finish yet, coz the laundry also bertimbun-timbun lagi..
that's the time when i feel really2 annoyed wif him..

n sumtimes..

while we'r at work..
we have lunch together, he treat me like i nobady to him..
like i jez sumone he know who jez has lunch with him..
then kalo berjalan, biaselaa..
he will walk a few steps ahead of me.. instead of jalan sesame..
ape lagi nak pegang2 tgn..

he has this kind of attitude..
bile kat luar or when there's sumbody else..
this kind of attitude like..
"oo, die bini aku, buat ape aku nak peluk2 die,
pegang2 tgn die depan org.. alaa, she can handle herself..
buatpe aku nak risau lebih2.."

tapi bile kat rumah,
he want me to treat him like anak raja..
basically i jez do it..
he's my husband, n i luv to spoil him..
but does he do the same thing towards me..?

he does sumtimes hug me from behind..
n kiss me.. he do that alot while we r home..
it's the only thing i luv about him..
when he wake up in the morning, he asks for a kiss first, n hugs..
then kiss my son.. hugs..
sweet..

that's the reason why i love him..
becoz sumtimes he can be so sweet..

i think..

love alone doesn't enuf in a relationship..
especially, a life time commitment..
we have to work on lotsa things..
like a flower..
to keep it grow n berbunge dgn cantik..
kene letak baja.. n siram hari2..
kalo tak siram..tak letak baje..
bunga tuh jadik layu..
tak cantik..
n lame2 mati..
that's the same thing happen in a relationship..

now..

i'm trying to do the best of me to keep the relationship grow..
sumtimes i feel i wanna took time off from him..
but i dun have time off, even for awhile..
but i do think, how to keep it grow..?
but..
i couldn't find a way..

i jez hope n pray to Allah..
this relationship..
this little family..
will stay grow ever n after..
coz i wanna wait for him..
in Pintu Syurga..

'papa..
i willingly to give my heart, my body n my soul.. to u..
never cross in my conscious mind to give u up..
u'r the best man i ever find to keep me warm at nite..
to make me smile when the day start to shine..
to burst a tear when the sunshine gone n the rain start to pouring down..
i pray n keep my hope..
u'r always be there when the rainbows come..
n whenever it's gone..
i love u..'