lame jugak ye~

lame jugak ye tak singgah sini..
sebenarnye agak malas. tapi rase cam nak blogging..
actually, there are a lot of things play in my mind now. I don't know which one should i drop first.

well.. about guitar.. i stop learning guitar bout two months now, coz am not sure playing guitar is halal or not..
and besides the tight schedule of having tuition each day.. I think from today am gonna continue my lesson back after reading a few facts and fatwa that most people misunderstood. Things become haram when we are starting to ignore all of our kewajiban to Allah and start to do all the haram things like drinking and zina every time or once we play guitar. I feel it's a huge relief, coz I really want to play guitar since i was little.. tho it may sound ridiculous but, yup.. i want to play guitar... ok besides guitar, one more thing that i wanna do badly... photography.. I really wanna be the person to capture all the special moment instantly and wanna look at the world differently behind the lense..
I almost buy the camera last friday, but i was kind of hesitated, coz we have lotsa debt, why should I waste my money for something unuseful for us, why don't I jez use the money to clear out our debt. btul tak? so, dengan hati yg pemurah, I gave RM1100 of my saving this month to him and all I ask him in return.. "I jez want u to treat me better.." .. and guess what.. he did.. not... we are supposed to go out..mmmm.. well.. let him be.. I'm just tired to whine up about him.. only God's know how I feel.. I give my best, if he just don't know how to appreciate it,then, let it be.. sooner or later, he will realize it.. and me, I jez berserah dekat Tuhan..

But..

at this moment, somehow I feel bless.. looking back at myself right before I was pregnant with Asyraf.. I was a total bitch.. yup.. I was.. maybe all those hiccups am having now are the pembalasan for all the bad stuffs I did before.. so, for God sake, I will bersabar and redha with his ujian. When I facebook, am always feeling jealous of other people wealth, beauty and other things.. but when I think back, behind all those beauty and wealth, u never know what happen with them.. they also like me, jez put on all those things that look good, I mean jez simply showing off.. betul tak? yup, I know 90% of us did that jez for the sake of showing off.. and there are also for good cause, but mostly, what do u think? I know there's a friend who damn rich, drive a fancy car, good looks, hot looking husband, but in the end.. the marriage is nothing but just a plain obligation to a cheating husband.. the moral of the story, we did judge book by it's cover, but if we don't read beyond the cover, we don't know what's the real stories behind the beautiful graphic pic.. well.. my point is, i'll never know, eventually my life is better than anyone else who seems to have everything in their life.. so, I should bersyukur for whatever things I have with me now.. I have a lovable family (tho he seems to hurt me alot.. I know he never mean it and he loves me much.. that's the only thing keep me stay beside him..), I got friends, good friends or just friends, got a job that I passionate about and basically everything is find now.. Thank You Allah..

so..
all I need to do now..
look forward..
chase my dream..
be bold..
and banyakkan bersyukur...

Alhamdulillah..

a place to call home..

am jealous. Jealous of my friends that manage to buy a place to call 'their own house' before hit thirty. I used to promise myself that by thirty, am already have a fine house and a big comfy car.. but.. umm.. it seems so far now. and guess what, am already 29..hahaha. i'm that old babe. oklah, I need to hit the ground and observe, where I am now? how bout next year? next 5 years? 10 years? man.. it's kinda of scary to know where I've been now. Instead of saving money, am end up having more debt. damn me. really can't control my inner child.gtg. asyraf is attacking..arghhh~~~

Alhamdulillah~

Alhamdulillah.. segala puji bagi Allah, Tuhan semesta alam..
life's getting better and happier.
when u start to look at your life in different way, and have faith to Him, InsyaAllah everything will work out just fine..

well, actually i can't wait for the grad nite. hehe. a nite to have an excellent dinner and have a really good time. Besides, am also gonna receive a clean RM400 nett for my hard works and my students hard work for getting As in Maths and Pure Maths. mmm~ Can't wait. Btw, am thinking of buying a new dress for that nite, but.. why should i waste my money for just one stupid evening, better save for better things, like.. bayar balik ptptipu.. ok gak..

Anyway, am totally broke rite now. All my money use to pay babysitter, give to Ummi, give to hubby, bayar kutu, installment n broadband.. total up, RM1630.. luckily, this month, am got more tuition, so more money come in.. Alhamdulillah.. well, talking about money, it seems never enough.. always got plan to use money, all the desire of buying new handbags, new shoes, new laptop, new sofa and all the new things that seems endless.. haiz~ nafsu.. the uncontrollable NAFSU..
I'm trying to be careful for what I'm doing now days , so i don't wanna regret it later. I've been doing soul searching (beside searching for a better job.. and better job means better school lah). What I wannna do in my life and so on. I was getting confuse sometimes, but when I start to surrender all my faith, trust and my heart to Almighty God, slowly,everything seems clearer and surprisingly a calm mind, heart and soul.. I do wish sometimes that I could turn back time, and be as matured as I am today. So I don't have to live in regret and got a better life than I am today. But, what's the point anyway, what's gone is gone. If I'm not been through what I've been through before, I wouldn't be the same person as I am now.. I wouldn't be this strong, this calm, this matured and this bless.. rite?
I'm really sorry for my mistakes, sorry for my stupidity, so sorry if I hurt so many people who care about me before, I'm so sorry.. but deep down, I have changed.. better.. but still I know, it's ain't enough.. there's still pretty lot of room to improve myself... yeah.. InsyaAllah..

broken

am tired and heart broken.. sometimes, i jez feel enough.. enough of him.. too much headache.. i don't know if life would be much better withou or without him.. but i know, my sons need him more than anything.. i lost.. n of coz.. broken.. ya Allah..

another weekend

It's an ordinary weekend, but somehow... some words and some acts can change the entire life.. i don't know why, but i think found some light and faith, to guide my life to be a better mom and wife. Just a few days ago, i mentioned my worried about my first son, i'm so worried if he gonna hate me because i'm always yell at him, sometime losing my temper towards him, i'm feeling guilty like hell.. n u know what, since last friday also, he don't wanna sleep at home, he want to sleep with his cousins, n tonite he's at Nilai with my sis-in-law, and dem, i miss him so much.. i cried ok, i cried becoz i think i really treat him bad, i don't know why he don't wanna be home. maybe becoz am always mad at him, n his papa always not around for him, maybe.. I'm so sorry if i treat u badly.. only God know how i wanna be a good mother, giving u the best of me.. if i failed it, I'm so sorry.. This evening, i was watching a documentary in Oasis channel, about 'Zuriat'.. there's a quote from Rasullullah s.a.w..

"Berikanlah kasih sayang kepada anakmu selepas dilahirkan hingga ianya berumur 7 tahun. Dan berikanlah pendidikan kepada anakmu dari 7 hingga 14 tahun. Kemudian, bersahabatlah dengan anak-anakmu dari umur 14 hingga 21 tahun"

well, a lil guidance but mean so big. I want to making up my mistakes, and i think it still not too late for me to be a better person, treat my sons better and be a better mom. Alhamdullillah, i'm really thank God for open up my soul before it's too late..

but the other person that makes me cried every nite.. is non other person but my own soulmate.. I don't why he can't see this.. I don't why he can't realize it.. every single thing he did, get nothing but kemurkaan dari Allah.. ya Tuhan, berikanlah petunjuk kepadanya.. i know my life will be in kefakiran and kesusahan, unless we changed, he's changed and kembali ke jalan-Nya... yea.. hati aku kene kuat.. kuat untuk segala-galanye.. it ain't easy, i know.. tapi selagi hati aku tetap pade Tuhan, InsyaAllah, aku yakin.. everythings gonna be alrite.. takpelaa tak jadi org berharta, selagi aku dapat jadi hambanya yang soleh, dengan anak-anak yang soleh, cukuplah dengan ape yang ade kat atas dunia ni.. ya Allah.. ampunilah aku.. Aiman, maafkan mama...............