broken

am tired and heart broken.. sometimes, i jez feel enough.. enough of him.. too much headache.. i don't know if life would be much better withou or without him.. but i know, my sons need him more than anything.. i lost.. n of coz.. broken.. ya Allah..

another weekend

It's an ordinary weekend, but somehow... some words and some acts can change the entire life.. i don't know why, but i think found some light and faith, to guide my life to be a better mom and wife. Just a few days ago, i mentioned my worried about my first son, i'm so worried if he gonna hate me because i'm always yell at him, sometime losing my temper towards him, i'm feeling guilty like hell.. n u know what, since last friday also, he don't wanna sleep at home, he want to sleep with his cousins, n tonite he's at Nilai with my sis-in-law, and dem, i miss him so much.. i cried ok, i cried becoz i think i really treat him bad, i don't know why he don't wanna be home. maybe becoz am always mad at him, n his papa always not around for him, maybe.. I'm so sorry if i treat u badly.. only God know how i wanna be a good mother, giving u the best of me.. if i failed it, I'm so sorry.. This evening, i was watching a documentary in Oasis channel, about 'Zuriat'.. there's a quote from Rasullullah s.a.w..

"Berikanlah kasih sayang kepada anakmu selepas dilahirkan hingga ianya berumur 7 tahun. Dan berikanlah pendidikan kepada anakmu dari 7 hingga 14 tahun. Kemudian, bersahabatlah dengan anak-anakmu dari umur 14 hingga 21 tahun"

well, a lil guidance but mean so big. I want to making up my mistakes, and i think it still not too late for me to be a better person, treat my sons better and be a better mom. Alhamdullillah, i'm really thank God for open up my soul before it's too late..

but the other person that makes me cried every nite.. is non other person but my own soulmate.. I don't why he can't see this.. I don't why he can't realize it.. every single thing he did, get nothing but kemurkaan dari Allah.. ya Tuhan, berikanlah petunjuk kepadanya.. i know my life will be in kefakiran and kesusahan, unless we changed, he's changed and kembali ke jalan-Nya... yea.. hati aku kene kuat.. kuat untuk segala-galanye.. it ain't easy, i know.. tapi selagi hati aku tetap pade Tuhan, InsyaAllah, aku yakin.. everythings gonna be alrite.. takpelaa tak jadi org berharta, selagi aku dapat jadi hambanya yang soleh, dengan anak-anak yang soleh, cukuplah dengan ape yang ade kat atas dunia ni.. ya Allah.. ampunilah aku.. Aiman, maafkan mama...............

pretty much of new life..

well..
of coz, life's getting better now..
for all the hard work and susah payah.. it's worth every second of it..
thank God.. Alhamdulillah..
now, I think am gonna start to have a dose of blogging everyday of my life now.. coz i need to let it out everything, inside out..
my life is so hectic nowday.. with 2 sons, and Asyraf is one year already, really worn me out.. don't even have time for myself..
n since Ramadhan, my energy also like going down.. pepagi ok lagi.. tapi bile dah start lunch.. mule laa rase letih nak mati.. tak tau nape.. maybe, badan aku ni not enough nutrition kot.. since Asyraf still breastfeeding, so most my nutrient is being sucked by him.. haiz.. penatnye..
so mengantuk already..
continue later..
huuuuaaaaaaaaa~
zzzzz~

resilience

am browsing around, looking for tips 'improving emotional health'..
most of the tips asked u to get supports from the love ones..
my problem now, my 'the-love-one' is the reason i have the break down..
how to deal with it?
i dun get any support from him..
he won't there for me..
so how am gonna handle my emotional sickness..
am so sick..

huuuuuummm~
i found this...>

Nine psychological tasks for a good marriage

Research on what makes a marriage work shows that people in a good marriage have completed these psychological "tasks":

*

Separate emotionally from the family you grew up in; not to the point of estrangement, but enough so that your identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings.
*

Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner's autonomy.
*

Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations.
*

For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby's entrance into the marriage. Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple.
*

Confront and master the inevitable crises of life.
*

Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity. The marriage should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, anger and conflict.
*

Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation.
*

Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each partner's needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support.
*

Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.

Thanks to Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD, co-author of the book The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts.

i think.. i have to face him..
all i want from him, stop being ignorance.
be more sensitive towards my feeling..
he should have understand, i have nowhere n nobody to turn to, but him..
he need to spend more time with us not with his friends, we have two little children to take care to, don't leave all the burdens to me, coz am also work my ass like hell..i'm always come home with loads of works, depress n exhausted..
i need a little space n some moment in my life to keep myself insane n breathing..
i love him, n my marriage..i want to work things out..
i wanna be happy, n do what i wanna do in my life..
yeah.. be happy.. it's been awhile, i dun even remember when the last time i am feeling happy,seriously..

i wish, am still gonna b a happy person , one day sooner..

stressful life~

never imagine i am gona be this stress..
not knowing how to channel it out, it's gone burst someday..
i am supposed to know to handle everything, since am already 28,
being married for 6 years n a mother of two, so whenever things go the other way, i could jez handle them easily..
but..
i can't..
n i feel like wanna leave everything behind, n jez stay in my own world, without anybody else.
my daily life is busy like hell, go to school, tuition classes after skool n babysitting at night. not fair at all, coz he got time to lepak2 n playing futsal with his friends during weekn, n i am at home busying n housekeeping.. the last time he bring us to go jalan2 was last chinese new year. since then, its always him n his friend.
damn!
honestly, am tired of everything.
i think am gonna send my sons to stay with my mom at kg.
by a new car for her.
then i work my ass hard, so that am not gona bother about him anymore.
it's only till the end of this year.
next year my mom gonna retire, n she's gonna staying with me.
so me n my sons gonna get together back.
i am tired.
really exhausted.
i lost.
honestly, i jez don't know what am i supposed to do..

it is hard..

Since I am in that school, everything goes in a wrong way.. facing trouble all the time.. I don’t know why God making that hard to me.. n my marriage.. is dooming.. sometimes I jez wish I wanna be alone.. do my own things.. without worrying anything else.. but I know it is impossible.. n hunky.. he seems don’t understand, n don’t even try to understand.. sometimes I jez feel guilty.. but sometimes his presence jez drive me mad.. it is so annoying..
am always thinking that someday he’s gonna leave me for other woman bcoz he had enough with me..
O God, what am I thinking..
I love aiman, I love hunky n I love asyraf more than anything.. but sometimes am torn n fall apart.. I wonder, why in the world I have to face this kind of things.. I can’t figure this thing out.. it is so hard, honestly..
am I that weak..?
that once a loser will always be a loser?
I wanna changed...
I don’t wanna be this woman again..
I wanna be a strong woman..
A confident woman, that nobody can underestimate me..
I wanna be the woman who can handle anything n everything..
I wanna be the one that my man desired every second..
I wanna be the lady with that attitude..
I wanna be THAT WOMAN WHO CAN DO ANYTHING SHE WANNA DO!!
I WANNA BE THAT WOMAN!!!!

Argggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear God, please give me strength..
Guide me, show n light my way to the right path..
The path that make me nearer to u..
O God, I keep my faith to You..
Ya Allah, tolong lah hamba Mu ini..

Amiin~

staring at the blank space

honestly, i feel blank..
tired all day long.
sometimes i jez don't know what i am suppose to do.
poor Aiman and Asyraf.
i don't know i jez feel sorry for them.
well, 24 hours a day ain't enuf for me.
wish my day would be longer.
tho i am still jobless technically.
still my hours a day not enuf.

basically, my morning duty start at 6:30.
well i'm supposed to wake up earlier, but since i'm starting to snooze after midnite everyday seems impossible to wake up subuh earlier.
then prepare breakfast, gosok baju n warmth bath for Aiman.
at the same time, my Doraemon akan bangun for his morning pooping.
after Aiman's ready, settle up Asyraf pulak yg dah poopoo every single morning at seven. *bleh tak budak kecik pooping at the same time everyday. if only adults pun maca, tuh kan bagus, so bleh ar bajet bile time kite nak termenung*
then, get ready for the papa plak, his breakfast and yada, yada, yada..
after 10.00 am baru laa settle for everyone not including me.
pastuh, houseworks nyer turn.
Laundry, dishwashing n etc.
blom siap sume lagi, have to fetch Aiman plak.
Pi amik Aiman, balik prepare lunch for us.
after lunch sambung housework or looking for jobs online or lipat baju.
masuk je kul 3.00, dah tak larat nak wat pe2.
al maklumlah, tido tak cukup, coz am always wake up at the middle of the night either breastfeeding or tutup lampu n tv coz hunky always sleeping with the tv on without switching it off.
in that case, kalo hantar si doraemon tuh kat babysitter.
kalo tak hantar doraemon tuh kat org jaga, hehe, memang i tak leh wat keje pe2 pun kat rumah coz have to attend him 24/7.
haiz.. penat nyer..
i wonder how housewife yg ade anak berbelas-belas leh handle those army.
anak due pun dah tak cukup tangan. inikan anak berbelas n plus, sume kecik2 n jarak dekat-dekat. oh tidak!
well, off for today.
hari ni baru dapat shortlisted sume jobs yg sesuai, blom apply lagi, tak sempat pun.japgi dah nak kene amik asyraf kat baby sitter. then langsung takleh nak wat pe2 dah.honestly, die memang langsung tanak diletak. i wonder how makcik yg babysit die tuh leh handle.
ok.. going for asar. and wish i have a better luck in finding jobs.