rolling mind..

i really long for such a healthy body, a happy life,
a better job and more friend.
such a meaningful and satisfaction life.
sape tanak kan..?
sume org nak macam tuh..
but i don't taste any of those satisfactory yet.
and i desperately want to..

and i find this question keep bugging on my mind..

"what do you want? What goals or dreams have you set for yourself that haven't yet happened? Is it time to get in
shape or mend a broken relationship? Find a better job or
finally take up that hobby you've been thinking about?"

"what price are you going to pay if you keep putting
it off? What if the chance to act disappears? How will you
feel?"

well, i kinda acknowledge all the answers of the questions.
n i am scared..

humm..
this past few days..
i am in such a gloomy mood.
distress bout something that not even occur yet.
suppress bout my own future, my kids and my marriage.
it's really such a mind bothering.
keep me feeling so insecure.

i should have pray alot.
let my faith lead by God.
and of coz, be greatful..

......

love nest..

honestly, am kinda tired with my life now.
long for things to get better sooner..
but, it seems so out of reach.
hunky..
i caught him lying to me.
but he never admit it, still i know he lied.
he's good at lying, good at making me feeling guilty, although he's the one to be blame.
am so tired of the drama.
try to shut my mouth up, eventually i jez can shut my lips but not my mind
and my heart.
its started to eat me inside, slowly.
argghhh~!
i want to have a better life.
i want to earned better like u, babe.
so.. what can i do?
so many things i wanna do in my life.
but with the way i live my life now, i have a huge doubt if i can make it or not.

hummm...

i really wanna strip out from my own skin now.
i wanna be a total stranger.
i wanna be someone else.
life is hard..

if only i can be a different person..

hummm~

Law of attraction

i've been learning about the law of attraction back my days in Prudential.
somehow, i knew it's really work.
tapi aku tak amalkan any single thing i've learned.
agak menyesal laa jugak.
but, watching oprah last nite, stimulate my memories about the law of attraction.
n today, am promise myself, am gonna sit down and think,
what i really want in life.
i use to have my own goal back then.
but, tau jelaa manusia spesis aku ni slalu hangat2 tahi ayam jek.
lotsa of tahi ayam is enuf.
i think i must act now. hehe.
tapi betul laa, kite ni kan, slalu kene ade org yg remind kite.
to keep focus and stay on the track.
walaupun certain things kite slalu dengar almost everyday,
tapi it's good for our soul.
specially bab2 tentang agama.

i know, am such a kepala angin.
kejap ok, kejap ko.
but still, bersyukur gile, coz at least am not stuck in k.o situation all the time.
ade jugak a better day to celebrate.
at this moment, am in thankful mode.
being thankful for everything i have.

ok.

other thing yg membuat aku terpikir pagi tadi masuk on the way nak dtg keje,
ialah aku ni agak suke merungut.
ade je bende aku nak merungut.
pastuh aku teringat laa, smlm aku tgk "keeping up with the kardashians"..
aku suke layan reality drama so much, n the kardashian is one of my fav laa,
tho they are jez bunch of plastics yg gorgeous.
but, despite of their ke'plastik'kan, n kekayaan n gile glamer.
they are bunch of kind hearted brats.
nak kate down to earth, takdelaa sgt.
tapi they don't mind being approached by org kebanyakan dan miskin.
dierang siap tolong lagi kalo org yg die jumpe tuh miskin.
bout last nite episode, it's not really about them.
it's something about the ppl they met at new orleans.
a single mother and 3 kids yg terpakse tinggal dlm trailer for 2 years,
rumah dierang collapse coz Katrina.
and the trailer is barely a home.
sgt sempit n very2 crowded.
n this bunch of Kardashians brats laa yg tolong dierang buat rumah baru
n everything.
ape yg membuat aku kagum gile ngan ibu tunggal anak tiga ni,
die tak pernah merungut sedikit pun pasal life die.
imagine, after Katrina, die sehelai sepinggang.
harta benda sume takde, yg tinggal, anak die 3 org.
she jez moved on, n built a new life with nothing.
she's never whining bout her struggling life, not a single word.
she jez being greatful for being alive.
so, all the kardashians brats dan termasuk aku sdiri, membuat aku terpikir,
life aku jauh lagi baik dari makcik tuh, but instead of being greatful,
hari2 merungut jek.
so does the law of attraction work,
if we keep saying and whining about the bad stuff.
only the bad things will come around.
but if we keep thinking about the good stuff..
only goodness will come.

well, talking bout life.
i know, so many ppl around me having a hard time.
tak cerita psal org2 kat palastine lagi.
kalo aku citer kang, nangis lagi.
but, all i wanna say to myself n to u..
is jez..
being thankful for every single thing we have n
every single moment we live.
so we won't have any regrets later in our life.

Alhamdulillah...~

bugs in my head..

there're so many things keep bugging n bothering my mind.
after return from kampung, I'm so exhausted from all of things happen around me.
humm..
balik kampung ari tuh, macam2 hal berlaku tapi agak remeh temeh sbenarnye.
but i jez can't keep them off from my mind.
sangat intriguing ok.
nak bergossip with someone else, but no one available to gossip with.

it's about my makcik, my mom's younger sister.
she's having Parkinson desease for 27 years old now.
she's started to have it when she's born her 4th child, same age with me.
the parkinson start to eat her neuron system slowly, n now she can't open her own eyes without somebody else helped.
Later after the 4th daughter born, there's another 2 daughters came later.
there're 6 of thems, 3 sons n 3 daughters.
before i forgot, the 4th daughter the one who born with her parkinson,
is a bit unnormal child.
Even she's already 27, but her mind is still a child's mind.
n guess what, all the others 5 normal daughters n sons are not home
to take care their parkinson's mom,
only the one who being unnorms left to do the job.
she's the one who suapkan nasi,
mandikan mak die,
pakai kan baju,
n celikkan mate mak die bile nak melihat.
sedihkan.. *actually aku tengah teresak-esak menangis ni.. uwaaa~*
along with the farther, she's taking care her mom.
talking about the farther.
at first, i threw a big salute to him.
coz with her wife conditions, he willing to stay n stick with her till now.
but my returned to kampung this time really shocked me hell.
i heard my other makcik cerite about the one who use to be respectable husband,
is no longer deserve the honor.
He's now one devil monster sonofbitch.
the husband eventually lost his patience to deal with parkinson's wife.
die sekarang dah jadi setan, sanggup heret makcik yg hopeless tuh macam binatang,
ke sane ke mari, pastuh siap pukul2 n dera lagi sambil mencarut.
n saying stuff like..
"engkau ni, tak abis2 nak menyusahkan org n tak reti2 nak mampus"
ya Allah, kesian nye..
ape salah die..
dahlaa tak mampu buatpe..
anak2 yg berkemampuan, jarang2 ade tunjuk muke.
laki pula dera die macam tuh.
sampai skarang, aku macam terganggu gile psal makcik aku ni.
one thing yg sgt mengganggu aku,
if sumthing like this happen to me.
would my husband do the same thing to me?
would my children also gonna act like that?
Nauzubillah~
mintak2 Tuhan jauhkan aku dari segala bencana.
apelaa nasib makcik aku tuh nanti.
sampai bile die dilayan camtuh.. aku pun tak pasti..
semoga Tuhan cepat2 hentikan kerja2 laknat laki die tuh.
dan semoga anak2 die diberi petunjuk.

dan semoga aku juga tidak tergolong darpada golongan yang dilaknat Tuhan.
ya Allah, takutnya aku..~

irritation..

am starting to get more irritate by ppl around me every each day..
the miss positive i wanna be, slowly fade away.
mmm, apelaa aku ni.
sometime i feel i have some kind of depression lately.
i read at paper, n watched tv, as if am having all the symptoms of the depression.
tapikan, bile pikir balik, am pregnant..
so, it's jez normal to have such a mood swing, dimana aku boleh berase gumbira, then seminit selepas itu berasa macam sial.
i dunno laa, if its jez the hormon or am really having kinda depression.
whatever it is, doesn't bring any good to me.
i jez dunno what can i do to trigger my mood, a better happy mood.
shopping perhaps?
of coz laa shopping sangat menggumbirakan.
tapi masalah nyer, bajet kurang laa bulan ni.
ape nak buat ar?
hummm...?