Wednesday, July 28, 2004

it's my life...

U can lie to other people.. but u jez cannot lie to urself..
I try to tell the whole world that I’m ok.. my life is great.. I’m getting better..
But what the lies beneath.. that I’m suffering so much..
I love my husband so much.. but each day.. I find more more n more things in him that I hate.. sometimes I lose my respect to him.. I jez can’t help myself.. I don’t know.. I can’t help it..!
I jez meet him a few minutes ago.. we have a lil missunderstood n end up both of us crying..I have said something that hurt him.. I know he has sacrifice lotsa things to make me happy.. he’s working like crazy.. giving up his football stuff even though I know football is his life.. but he’s willing to give up everything jez for me.. but I can’t sacrifice everything for us like the way he do.. why? I don’t know.. maybe I’m still selfish n stubborn jez like before.. he said to me, his life is happier after we get married.. but to me, my life is getting worst after I marry him.. the baby, my final year study, money, friends n everything.. everything is getting out of my way.. I can’t see my future.. even my near future..
it doesn’t mean I’m giving up.. but I’m jez lose my grip a lil bit.. what he’s doing is not enough to me.. I’m still suffering.. it doesn’t make me happier.. it’s jez make me more suffer.. I try to say this to him.. but I know, what I’m trying to say is jez make him hurt more n more.. I’ve got more egos than him.. I don’t wanna people look at me as a loser.. I want people look at me as a strong person.. even deep down in me, I’m soo weak..
I don’t like the way he speak.. when he comes up with any idea, he gets so excited.. than.. later, all the things he said is out of nowhere.. that’s what makes me.. urm.. u know.. sorry I jez can’t say the words..
he still thinking n acting like a lil boy.. sorry I’m saying this my dear.. n jez now, his big sis jez return from Bangkok n she had said lotsa things n give him lotsa advices.. she said something about the baby, that how we gonna keep the baby.. who gonna take care the baby when both of us go to our classes.. n lots.. lotsa things.. then he feel a lil bit insecure, n then said that ‘betul jugak ape yg akak die cakap’.. my God! How dare he’s saying that! Becoz he’s the one who really want to keep the baby at the 1st place, n he’s the one who wanna get married at the 1st place.. don’t he think bout this before.. before he decided to keep this lovely baby.. I feel sooo retarded..
God help me!
n now.. I have decided.. whatever happen, whatever how fuck up my life would be, I don’t care how much I suffer, or how long I would be in misery.. I jez redha.. redha everything.. I give it up all my faith to God.. and I.. I promise myself.. I won’t regret anything that I have done, I won’t regret anything had happened to my life.. I will accept it as the way it could be.. promise..
n please God.. give Your blessing to us.. help us to find the right path.. please my God..
I’m begging You… Aaaamiinnnn….

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